First Post

Hi. For some time now I have struggled with depression. Recently I have also discovered a healthy smattering of anxiety exists within the mix. I have created this blog as a place to record my thoughts and issues in dealing with depression. If I have sent you a link to this blog, it is because I love you. I don't express that emotion well, or often, but rest assured if you have this link, you are near and dear to me. I will be making admissions here that I find embarrassing and very, very, very difficult to talk about. Hopefully I don't overload any of you.

I had originally been tempted to utilize my regular blog, but have not done so. I want to share these experiences but not in a way that will make my friends and family uncomfortable. So I will record my depressing blog statuses here, instead of my regular blog. That way people who want to read the posts can without being subjected to a daily "oh, dear, my life sucks" expose on Facebook or my regular blog.

I have been off work now for almost 3 weeks. It started while I was in training for a new post at work. I can't go into too many work details as I am contractually constrained not to do so. The new area I have been transferred to is much larger and busier. I have problems socially and find it difficult to deal with people in most social settings.

As a teenager and in my twenties I have memories of standing outside of the homes of friends while a party went on inside. I could not bring myself to enter if I was alone. I tried. I would be out there sometimes for hours, terrified to enter. I of course convinced myself that it was because it was too hot, crowded, smokey, what have you, but the fact was I was too afraid to enter.

I could - can - only enter a social situation if I am there with someone I trust. Even if I go with a friend, if that person is someone I do not trust and feel close to, I cannot enter.

I don't really know why that is, but it is.

I have experienced this feeling once again in my new area of work. I went for my 2 week training, and the closer and closer we got to my official start date, the more and more frightened I became. I couldn't concentrate on my training, and fell behind in class. This is not a sensation I am used to. I usually excel in a classroom setting. The farther behind I fell, the more the anxiety and nervousness increased.

One day, I just couldn't go to work.

What really frightened me though was the realization that not only was I avoiding work, but also friend and family. I was skipping improv, avoiding phone calls, turning down acting jobs and generally just not returning messages. If it wasn't for the Internet and Facebook I don't think I would have had any interactions with anyone.

Every time I start to feel better the feelings last only a short time, a few hours, then its back to nervousness and fear. Even simple interactions with people are difficult, and I often find myself on the verge of tears, or even out and out crying, for simple, stupid reasons.

Today, for example, I had to go to the bank to deposit some money. I did so, then went to the grocery store next door, when I realized I had left my bank card at the bank. I went back but it was gone. Suddenly I found myself unable to control tears. I was not upset because I lost my card, but because apparently I cannot take care of even the simplest tasks without fucking up somehow. I know, a lot of people would tell me not to worry about it, that they have done similar things themselves. The problem is, this doesn't help because they fail to understand the frequency with which I under-perform in life.

I am very forgetful - absent minded, I like to say. For example I forgot to get my plate stickers renewed - last July. I just did them today (after I straightened out my lost card at the bank) six months after I was supposed to. The only reason I even *knew* I had forgotten to take care of this was because I was issued a ticket for my expired sticker. I completely forgot to renew my sticker, it never once entered my head.

There are more examples, but trust me I do things like this daily.

I've rambled enough for now.